Timber Maniacs
by ebidebi
Summary: AKA Why Seifer and Quistis Aren't Allowed On Trains Anymore. A satirical piece describing just how Quistis ended up following Seifer to Timber and the kinky things they did on the way. Please don't take this seriously, I know I didn't. Just a bit of fun!


Timber Maniacs

or…

Why Seifer and Quistis Aren't Allowed On Trains Anymore

          No leadership skills…a failure as an instructor…

          Quistis stumbled through these thoughts many, many times, trying to understand where she went wrong. She always graded papers on time and reported to Cid more than the rest of her teachers. Among the students, she was the favorite instructor! Many of her students had passed the SeeD exam…

Well, Seifer Almasy alone, who didn't pass, counted for about ten students. 

Quistis sighed. It was always Seifer. Disrupting the class whenever Cid was observing, misbehaving, sleeping through tests…

"It wasn't my fault! I'm not responsible for his actions," she thought angrily, blinking back tears. Why did she have to have Seifer in her class? Was it the Garden's way of undermining her? By throwing the most difficult of students into the new, inexperienced instructor's face?  

Seifer…Always spouting about his dreams, never turning in homework. Were he not an extraordinary fighter, Quistis thought sure he would be kicked out of Garden long ago.

He hadn't made SeeD, but he would have more chances. For her, there were no more. Teaching was her life, it was everything to her. What did she have now? What could she do? Why did she have to pay for Seifer's rashness.

Seifer.

          …Seifer.

Just the mere thought of him infuriated her.

          Well, she was still a top-notch SeeD, who happened to be frighteningly good with a whip. Quistis pondered this, and her need for tears ceased. Perhaps she did still have a purpose!

          Seifer was the only reason she could find for being demoted.

Fastening her whip to her side, Quistis decided to pay him a little visit. The smirk on her face was incredibly dangerous.

*        *        *

Seifer was crestfallen. He had failed to make SeeD. Seifer Almasy, an amazing warrior, didn't even make a stupid mercenary group! It was laughable.

And if it had happened to anyone else, Seifer probably would be laughing. Make that certainly would have been laughing.

But because it happened to him, he was slouching in his desk chair feeling sorry for himself. And if anyone laughed, he would beat their wussy little pansy ass.

It had always been his dream to be a warrior…well, one of his dreams, anyhow. He used to have the promise of being a good SeeD. The possibility of one day becoming a knight…

Now all he had was the dream.

It had never felt so empty.

He was nothing.

And Squall Leonhart was everything. Of course, that's how it had always been.

          With Matron, with Cid, with Quistis, with everyone…lazy Squall got more respect than determined Seifer. Of course, Seifer didn't want or need that respect! Squall was just so undeserving…the bastard. 

Seifer's eyes narrowed in anger. Squall got too much credit. Clearly, Seifer was the more skilled warrior. But no, because Squall blindly followed orders like a puppet, he was rewarded.

But no longer.

Seifer was going to win this one.

He stood up, determined, and grabbed his gunblade.

Just as he opened the door, he was thrown back into the room at breakneck speed by the brute force of a furious peachy-pink blur.

Of course, they landed on the bed.  
          "You ruined my life!" the blur, who happened to be Quistis Trepe growled, clawing at him. Seifer, eyes wide and afraid, was speechless. She was…catlike…carnal…it was…interesting. 

"You got me fired!" she continued, now repeatedly slapping and scratching at his face.

This was just two or three steps beyond awkward for Seifer. It was also quite painful. Quistis continued her abuse, though she was clearly running out of steam from all the flailing. 

"You suck!" Quistis bellowed, deep in her throat. She let out one last scratch, her expression slowly drifting from rage to sorrow, and soon she was sniffling.

"Now that was low," Seifer muttered, pushing the now subdued Quistis off of him. He began to tend to his raw face.

"No you don't!" she cried, pulling out her whip. Seifer's eyes bulged. "You are going to PAY!"

"Pay for what? Quistis, what the hell are you doing?" Seifer wondered.

"I was fired because you're a failure!" she lashed out at him.

"A failure?" Seifer demanded. "It's Squall! He steals my spotlight!" He dove at Quistis, pinning her to the bed.

"Don't you bring Squall into this, you…you jobwreker!" she retorted, fighting to get up. She kicked at his legs with all her might.

          "Excuse me? It's your own damn fault you got fired, you were a lousy instructor!" he shot back, sneering at her. He yanked hard on one of the blonde tendrils of hair that hung by Quistis's face, causing her to cry out in pain.

          "No, it's YOUR fault!" she snarled, accenting the word "your" with a sharp motion of her knee to his groin.

          "Holy sh-" Seifer began, rolling off of her in pain. She was right with him, rolling on top of Seifer.

          "Serves you right! I have no life anymore!" she continued, pounding on his chest.

          "Well I lost my life, too, okay?" he barked, trying to capture her once more. He really didn't want to have to hit her, but she was asking for it.

          "Damn you!" she exclaimed as he elbowed her stomach. She rolled him over and tried to punch him, but he grabbed her fist.

          "Getting slow, are we?" he taunted. She growled at him and used her free hand to rip his coat off.

          Then Seifer noticed that Quistis's pale pink vest had come unzipped. When his eyes drifted to her cleavage, this left the perfect opening for Quistis. Seizing the moment, she punched him – hard – in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

          "No, you're slow! I thought I taught you better than that, Seifer," she gloated. It took the last of her energy to make this statement, and she soon collapsed, panting on the bed next to Seifer.

          Had anyone walked in at that moment, they would have thought that Quistis and Seifer were in the middle of some hot, passionate sex.

          But they weren't doing that quite yet.

          So the two just lay there, sweating and exhausted.

*        *        *

          Quistis, completely worn out, pulled out a healing potion and took a swig. She passed it to Seifer, who gladly accepted it. As their energy came back to them, Quistis sighed.

"So, your life is over, too?" she asked.

"…Yeah," Seifer replied, tossing the potion aside.

They sat in silence for some time.

"I hate it," Quistis whispered. Seifer sat up slowly.

"Me too," he agreed. He looked down at Quistis.

"But maybe… maybe it was meant to be this way," she sighed. Seifer nodded stiffly then rolled his neck. Quistis cringed, hearing a series of loud cracks and pops.

"You sure can hit," he observed, stretching out his arms.

"So can you," she added, knowing she would have a bruise on her stomach. "And you can pull." She kneaded her scalp.

"You flatter me," Seifer replied. Quistis sat up slowly, blood rushing to her head. She must have been teetering a bit, because Seifer caught her just before she fell off the bed. "You all right?" He steadied her in his muscular, tanned arms.

"Quite, quite," she answered quietly, relaxing. The blood was pounding in her head again. She felt her eyelids lower in…desire? Was it desire or fatigue? Quistis couldn't tell at this moment. But she did see that Seifer's expression mirrored hers.

"Good…" he replied slowly.

There was a large pause as they continued to gaze at each other, still perspiring and winded.

The pause was comforting…and then he blinked.

          "Damn, what was I about to do before you came in?" Seifer muttered suddenly, letting Quistis fall from his arms to his lap. Her head came crashing against his thigh

          "Eh…eh…" she stammered.

          "Oh, yeah!" Seifer exclaimed, standing up abruptly. Had she not such good reflexes, Quistis would have fallen to the ground. She struggled to retain her footing.

          "Seifer Almasy, where are you going?" she demanded, seeing him grab his gunblade and move to leave.

          "I'm saving my honor!" he replied.

          "Oh, no you don't!"

          "Why not?"

          "Because!"

          "Excuse me?"

          "Because I've got you right where I want you!"

          "…" Seifer wasn't expecting that. There was a sinister tone in her voice, one he had not heard before. Was she going to kill him?

          "That's right, Seifer…I need you right here…right now," she continued, her voice low and raspy. Slowly, oh-so-painstakingly slowly, she sauntered to him and removed his Hyperion from his grasp…or what was left of his grasp. He had become somewhat gelatinous.

          Seifer's eyes widened. Well, at least she wasn't going to kill him…and Seifer was always up for some free sex.

          Quistis ground her hips against his, wrapping her right leg around his waist.

          Seifer only took a moment to consider what was going on.

          Quistis = hate.

          …but… 

          Quistis = hot. Fine. Sexy. In a position of power. 

          Well, at least she used to be. …wait! She was a SeeD, so she was still his superior. It would be a disgrace to his manhood not to seize this golden opportunity.

          He was not going to let her seduce him. 

          Seifer would seduce _her_.

          Quistis felt Seifer pulling her vest off. So, he finally got it.

          She smirked. Squall and Seifer were rivals. If she took Seifer…Squall would get jealous. Hopefully.

          Seifer smirked. He would have the one thing that Squall didn't. Their instructor. Well, former instructor. Anyhow, Seifer had her now, and Squall had nothing.

          The thought made Seifer want to cackle.

          The following events were quite intense, since they were both entirely focused on corrupting the other. Every action blurred together, neither would ever remember exactly what happened. But, just before the "good part", Seifer ceased his kisses. He and Quistis were nearly nude and extremely aroused.

          "Come with me…" he murmured against her neck.

          "Where?"

          "Away…" Seifer was kissing her neck again, feeling around for their clothes on the floor with his feet.

          "All right…" 

          They pulled their clothes back on and left Seifer's dorm room under the cover of Quistis scolding Seifer.

          However, it was Seifer who had the upper hand. He wondered why the formerly prudish Instructor Trepe was so desperate for sex, or why he was so intent to not only best Squall in battle, but to show off the former Instructor. Ah, Trepe. Seifer's gorgeous prize.

          It was going to be one hell of a ride to Timber.

          Sneaking out had been simple. Sneaking onto the train had been simple. With Quistis's SeeD status still in effect, she had access to the SeeD cabin and no questions were asked about Seifer.

          Probably because the over-stimulated pair didn't give anyone time to ask questions.

          Once in the cabin, things didn't take long. Tearing off each other's clothing, they came together swiftly, almost frantically.

          Desperate times (or desperate people) call for desperate measures…

*        *        *

          _In car 3…___

          squeak, squeak

          "Bartholomew, darling, do you hear a mouse?"

          "No, my dear."

          squeak

          "Are you quite certain?"

          "Yes, Amelia, I am!"

          bang, bang

          "What in the name of…" Bartholomew began, standing up from the plush couch in the first class car.

          "We must have hit an animal of sorts!" Amelia explained.

          BANG!

          "A rather large one, hmm?"

          "Mmmm…ohh…"

          "The poor dear is suffering!"

          "Aaaaah! Sei---"

          "Ohhhh…Quistis…

          "…"

          "…"

          "That's not an animal."

          "On the contrary, Amelia, I do believe it is. Or rather, two animals."

          "An outrage! What hooligans on this vehicle!"

          BANG! BANG! BANG!

          "I do believe they are screaming now." Bartholomew didn't really care…Hyne knew that he hadn't gotten any in about 10 years. 

          "I think I should report this."

          "Oh, dear, let the children have a little fun! What if they are on their honeymoon?"

          "Who takes a honeymoon to Timber?!" Amelia stormed out of the car and headed for the conductor.

          "Ohhhh…Hyne…Seifer…take me again…!"

  
*        *        *

          _In car 5…___

          "Mmmmm…

          "Eliza, was that your stomach?"

          "Heavens, no, Fatima! I thought it was yours! You were the one who had that tuna at lunch, I knew it was rotten…" Eliza looked over to Ethel, who was staring intently at her bridge hand.

          "Was it you, Eliza?" Fatima asked seriously. Ethel shook her head furiously and pointed to Mabel.

          "Why are you always blaming me? Why I do declare, it was just like this at the family reunion last year! I don't think I want to go anymore!"

          The four were obviously sisters all in their eighties.

          Quis--aaaah…!

          Mabel's eyes widened, Eliza exploded into light, girly giggles, Fatima shifted uncomfortably, and Ethel took on a stern expression.

          All four of them turned their eyes to the door.

          Silence.

          Mmmm…Seifer, again!

          "Well, then!" Mabel exclaimed.

*        *        *

          Back in Quistis and Seifer's cabin, things were a mess. Clothing, weapons, potions, and supplies were strewn about the car. At first, one could not even see where the "happy couple" was…not on the bed, not on the couch…not on the floor…

          They were against the wall. So that's why there was so much banging.

          Quistis had Seifer pinned to the wall, her hands capturing his wrists. They were kissing, but…it didn't muffle the sound, seeing as their mouths were completely open.

          And that wasn't the only thing that was…completely open.  
          Anyhow, it seemed that…anger, despair, and hate made a ferocious trio in the bedroom.

          Or the train car.

          Wherever.

*        *        *

          "Yes, for the THIRD time, I am aware of the noise coming from the SeeD cabin! I've already sent someone to take care of it!" the conductor announced, annoyed. 

          "You better have! They've been at it for a good twenty minutes! My Eveline was trying to sleep, and now all she does is ask me what was dying in the next car!" a very concerned, overbearing mother demanded.

          "My husband I were just trying to get to Timber, but those two--"

          "We were just playing bridge--"

          "I was listening to the radio, but all I could hear was--"

          The conductor's face was horror-stricken.

*        *        *

          Oh, Hyne, Seifer…I never knew you could do that!

          There's…plenty that you don't know about me…Quistis…ohh…

          Eeep!

          The guard on the train paused. "Eeep"? They were in there…making wild love, and one of them said "eeep"? What the hell was wrong with them?

          He stood in front of the door and knocked loudly three times.

          Shit! Go away!

          "You have thirty seconds to clothe yourselves and leave before I eject you with force!"

          No!

          Eeeeeeep!

          There was that "eep" again!

          "That's it! I'm knocking down this door!"

          Seifer! Please! Let's just go! There are other places we can do this!

          No. There. AREN'T. I have to get to Timber!  
          What the hell for?

          To best Squall!

          The banging had stopped.

          Oh, so you didn't even care about me?

          What made you think that I cared about you in the first place?

          Oh, I don't know, maybe when you took off all my clothes and started kissing my- 

          That was it! The guard pushed the door open, armed. But he wasn't ready for what he saw.

          The two people in the cabin were completely naked, but fully armed.

          "Excuse me!?" the blond man yelled, thrusting his gunblade at the guard. "Don't interrupt my fight!"

          "YOUR fight? This is OUR fight, Seifer!" the woman replied.  
          "Damn, woman, why are you always trying to put us together?"

          "ME? You're the one who--"

          "PLEASE!" the guard yelled, his hand over his eyes. "Just get dressed and leave!"

          "NO! I HAVE TO GET TO TIMBER!"

          "NO, YOU DON'T!"

          "Can't tell me what to do, Quistis!"

          The woman had her…whip…extended. She flung the tip at the man, who blocked it easily with his gunblade.

          ding, ding, ding!

          "The train will be arriving at Timber Station in two minutes."

          "YES!" The man grabbed for his clothes, forgetting his fight.

          "No you don't! Get back here!" The woman, also fighting into her clothes, continued to scream at her companion as they dressed themselves. 

          By the time the train had stopped, they were fully dressed.

          The guard, eyes still covered, continued to stammer commands. However, they were in vain. Quistis and Seifer continued to argue loudly, running past the guard, out of the car, past the hordes of angry and embarrassed passengers, past the frazzled conductor, and off of the train.

          "Squall! Prepare youself!" Seifer yelled. Quistis rolled her eyes and ran after him.

          "You idiot!" she shouted. "Headmaster Cid will hear of this!"

*        *        *

          "What did you say their names were?"

          "Quistis Trepe and Seifer Almasy. From the Balamb Garden."

          "…right. They won't be getting back to Balamb easily. In fact…I doubt they'll be getting anywhere by train for quite some time.

*        *        *

          A group of young Galbadian Soldiers crowded about a small television.

          "This is good…" 

          Every single car on the Timber train was equipped with a security camera.

          "Can't buy this in stores…"

          "Wow…"

Note: Just…don't ask. It's better that way. *revised 3/4/3*


End file.
